Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
…and my favorite
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re okay, you’re it. 🙂